Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Mom wisdom debunked... in other words, how in God's dear sweet name am I supposed to do that?

What is the number one piece of advice given to any new mom?

Sleep when your baby does.

By far, that's got to be it. Ignore the dishes growing mold in your sink, the growling in your own belly, the feline sized dust bunnies lurking in the corners of your house, and the fact that you can actually smell the food rotting in your refrigerator WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.  The tumbleweed sized balls of dog hair wafting through your house? Step over.

With any luck the cast of Hoarders will show up with a camera crew and take care of it for you, while you nap peacefully on the couch.

Just make sure that you don't look down at the pouch of your belly which at some angles still looks like it contains a baby, because that will make you want to do sit ups. Don't breathe deeply, or on second thought, you may want to, because the smell of the body odor coupled with the inevitable five or six spit ups may actually induce a sweet, restful coma. And for Heaven's sakes, don't walk past the mirror. You'll want to snap a photo of the stranger in the glass with greasy roots, untamed eyebrows, chipped nail polish clad in sweatpants and an over large shirt, and post it on www.peopleofwalmartwebsite.com, because that sure as hell can't be YOU.

I've got a new rule for new moms.

Delegate. Delegate, Delegate.

Call your friends, your relatives, your neighbors. Stop worrying what the house you look like, and get some help in there.  Have a team of people help you do everything that needs doing, and then, take your nap. You'll sleep better.

No comments: