Box mixes: The enemy of frugal cooks every where

I remember the first time I ever cooked.

Ever.

My mother had made her famous meltaway meat. Of this, I still quiver in fear. The lumpy, tasteless mass of protein quivered like jello, the texture resembled canned dog food. I'm not entirely sure what she did to it that made it taste so...tasteless, but I do know it often involved me scrubbing out the crockpot for sometimes days on end, only to have her repeat the mess the moment I had managed to chip the remains from the walls of her ceramic petri dish, I mean, crockpot. Ugh.

My moment...she had come down with a "migraine" and needed to lay down. She needed me to "finish off dinner."

I was happier than a pig in, well, you know.

Laying on the counter, a packet of lipton alfredo noodles.

I put on my serious face. This was the big leagues. The moment that everyone tasted MY noodles. Oh, I could hardly wait.

I read the directions, then reread them. I followed them EXACTLY. Measuring the margarine, milk, and water as though my life depended on it.

Did you see my mistake? Because to this day, I don't. I followed the directions on the package, only to have my mother have a panic attack because I used margarine. Evidently, it was optional, (in those days, that was NOT printed on the directions.) and EXPENSIVE

As a (much) older cook, I wonder why we even had those packets. Even on sale they are ridiculously priced for what they are. A little bullion, a couple of seasonings, a four hundred percent mark up. It's scary what people will pay good money for.

On one of my favorite sites there is a certain amount of devotion to a certain meal product hawked by a four fingered hand. There are whole threads devoted to a favorite flavor...and again, I wonder why. Especially when I see "Italian Shells" ranks around the most popular flavors.

Seriously?

Ok, besides the ick factor, (have you READ the ingredients) and the price factor, (upwards of two dollars for barely three portions), Italian Shells? The easiest thing on the the planet, and, possibly the cheapest.

Check out my remake:

pasta
1 lb ground beef or sausage
1/2 lb whole wheat short pasta
2 C premade pasta sauce, or season a 16 oz can of tomato puree to taste.
2 C water

Brown beef or sausage and drain. Add sauce and water, bring to a boil, add the pasta. Return to a boil, simmering for 7 minutes. Do not cover. Let stand five minutes.

At this point, I usually sprinkle some shredded cheese on it and call it a day. However, I have the feeling the cheese sauce makes it for some people, so...

take 1/2 C milk and blend with 1 tsp cornstarch until smooth. Add 1/2 teaspoon garlic, bring to a boil. Stir in two to four tablespoons of parmesan cheese. Taste and add salt and pepper as desired. Drizzle over pasta.

Serve as you would your favorite box mix. Gloat in the fact that it cost less than half the price. Yay, YOU!

Do you have a favorite box mix you'd like a cheaper alternative to? Let me know in the comments!

A Letter to the White House

Dear Mr. President,

I am no one. I don't have any outstanding accomplishments to tell you that I am qualified to judge your work. Come November, 2010, I am but one vote against the corruption long sustained in Washington. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I sent you tea wrappers. Several times. There would have been some lovely tea in them for you to drink, but you're office was kind enough to say they'd refuse the tea, based on the Whitehouse's policy on food for gifts. Thank you for allowing me to make my point and keep the tea.

Unlike most conservatives, I had a moment after the election where I thought change might be good. I thought, perhaps, you might take steps to legalize gay marriage, or step back the patriot act a bit. I thought, maybe, I'm jumping the gun in my dislike of the guy. Maybe he can patch up the holes in NCLB. Maybe a fresh start is what we need.

Well, you did bring change. You had the largest inauguration in the history of the US to celebrate your ascension to the highest position of power in the world. That should have been a warning to the American people, but it wasn't. Then, you served sixty dollar a pound steaks at the expense of taxpayers, many of whom are struggling to afford food at all. It has become apparent that you think the American people have elected you to enjoy a four year party and golf outing.

And yet, you seem to enjoy an odd kind of teflon status. Your predecessor received word of Katrina, while reading a book to grade school children. He paused, finished the book, and went to work. That pause made history. It was several minutes at best, and yet it was proof positive to millions of Americans that George Bush didn't care.

Now, oil is streaming into the gulf of Mexico. The environment that you claimed to care about is flooding with oil. Birds and turtles are dying. Tar balls are washing up on the shores of Texas. Other countries have been offering their help since moments after the story broke. And you went golfing.

Your administration has blocked reporters from photographing the damage faced by fellow Americans, and stopped Lousiana from cleaning oil soaked waters. I don't understand how this is not a bigger deal for you. If your predecessor had done this, PETA would have been protesting the White House in droves. The environmental groups would have been screaming for days. And yet, it appears that American interest in the oil spill is waning. Your rule is working. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

I am writing this, not so much to you, Mr. President, but in the hopes I can remind even a few fellow Americans of your callous lack of regard for the environment you claim to care so much about. As a manager I never would have take a vacation while my restaurant was burning down, and yet that it exactly what you have done, not once, but several times.

This morning, I read that sand is being artificially moved to beaches to appease tourists and cover oil on the beach. Your administration is much more concerned with conceiling the damage than remedying it.

I don't know how you sleep at night. And I don't particularly care. I do hope, that you stop waiting for the EPA to give you a go ahead, admit that you don't know what you are doing, and let one of the other countries step in and fix this mess.

Mr. President, you can point the finger at BP, even though your administration failed to inspect the apparatus several times in the last year, and we will agree with you. However, it is now YOUR JOB to fix this mess. To me, this is your Katrina. You have failed the American people, the environment, and those little turtles you claim to care so much about.

Please, step aside and let someone who knows what they are doing fix this mess. You don't.

Thank you for your time,
Heather

Did you eat a beaver anal gland today?

Well, you may have if you ate some raspberry candy!!! Don't give me that look! How about a daily dose of sand or ingredients used in caulk? Well, if you've eaten at taco bell, you have!

Maybe some crushed bugs in your red candy? The best part of this coloring labeled carmine or carminic acid, is that it can be labeled "natural coloring." I guess that fairly accurate, since buds are natural. Crushed and boiled, they're just,well, yummy. And, evidently, PRETTY.

Ugh, the list goes on and on. Beef fat in hostess snacks (lard). Ok, I admit this is not a biggie for me, because I eat meat. But, when I was a vegetarian, I scarfed these down every week.

So-my freak out list for the week contains-
Taco Bell: I've been feeding my kids sand in the form of Silicone Dioxide.
Beaver Anal Glands: or
Castoreum used in perfumes, and raspberry candy.
Carmine- the red food coloring is used in lipsticks as well- so I've been smearing crushed red bugs on my mouth while spraying my neck with beaver anal glands and eating sand. Fabulous!!!!!

Three ingredients I didn't know about before. Taco bell dollar menu, I will miss you, but I can eat sand and msg for free.